There is, one supposes, a time in any bereavement where you have to make a decision about your own life. Whether you take that step through the portal into the unknown or stay in the familiar. The latter is easy but will get you nowhere but the alternative is scary, leaping into somewhere if even you don’t know where somewhere is. And you’re doing it on your own.
I had had the thought that once probate was settled, I would feel some sort of peace. A door closing on the emotional turmoil of the past 10 months but I felt nothing. I don’t know what I expected really but at least a sense of purpose would have been a start? Without Tony’s calm, practical and ‘I know what you’re like’ insights, I had no-one to sound bite with. I mean, the dogs are great company and make me smile every day but their thoughts run more to food, park run, sleep, cuddles, squirrels, next door’s cat, more park runs….Fun but not helpful. I needed to wake up and smell the coffee (I love coffee), my life needed a health kick.
One thing I have learnt through the widowhood process is that if you close one door, you need to open another otherwise the space around you becomes suffocating. Opening a new one is like shoving your foot through a one way portal and hoping the ground is solid on the other side. But I did it and you know what? It’s quite exciting this side. Scary but exciting. I made a decision, thanks in part to the new ventures, to leave a business I have loved and run for 22 years. Tony would be proud of me, he always said that Dog Hollow was the third ‘person’ in our marriage, I just wish I had had the foresight to do it whilst he was still with me.
Well, I’ve thrown myself through the portal now, there’s no going back. Life will no doubt bring new challenges now and no T to rely for directions but I’m optimistic for once. I have my friends and several paws to guide me, I’m just not sure my darling Arry that attempting to leap over next door’s fence to catch Shiloh is a life goal…..
“Dogs are wise. They crawl away into a quiet corner and lick their wounds and do not rejoin the world until they are whole one more” (Agatha Christie)
Widow plus woofs 