A letter to my guy

My dearest Wormy,

It’s been a year since I held you in my arms. I still can’t get my head around the fact that you are no longer here, I feel like I’m living in some sort of parallel universe and at some point everything will return to what it was. I can still hear you, feel you lying beside me in bed watching your DVD’s and smell your ‘life’s okay now you’re here’ smell. I can still see your incredible blue eyes light up when you laugh and and your lip tic because you can never lie. I miss you. I would like to point out that the football hasn’t helped, I’m sorry Liverpool didn’t quite get there but you still have the Champions League . I hope you haven’t broken any chandeliers up there with your leaping about.

Life would be a lot less stressful if you were here by the way, just so you know. Your will and estate alone has caused me no end of anxiety and sleepless nights, I never knew you were so complicated darling. Mind you, you’d probably tell me to be patient and it’ll all get sorted eventually. I’m trying. Dickie as ever has been your best friend and a calming influence for you know who. I’m sorry for swearing at you so much but I don’t have your chest to lean on.

The Coven girls are taking me away this weekend. They have been the best friends a girl could ever have. I wish you could have met Alex, you would have loved her and Tom. They have been a tower of strength for both me and Cal. And Cal has been accepted on his college course, I’m a beyond proud mum. You have amazing friends too but you know that. The footie gang , Phil who refuses to let me wallow in grief, the best neighbours in Michelle and Trevor, Cheryl, Simon and Oliver. They’ve all badgered and prodded me to make sure I’m okay. And our families of course.

I’m sure you’ve noticed the renovations on chez Knollys, you would have liked them but not the money I’m spending. Oops. I’m sorry about the Camellia too but hopefully it will get over the trauma and blossom again. I’m sure you are pleased with my decisions on the work front, very overdue but I know you would be proud of me for taking that step. It’s a step without you though. I was a bit nervous about your reaction to my tattoo but I like it and you know I never do what others expect. The dogs have been my backbone over the last 12 months, I would never have kept my sanity without them. Mind you, they’ve driven me to insanity on a regular basis too. Yogi is better now that Callum is home but I think if he could talk, he’d need a therapist. I will never know a dog’s thoughts after they watch their human pass away in front of them. I hope you don’t mind the lilac colour in the bedroom, it calms me.

I miss you babe. It’s a weird existence without you but I thank you for Callum. He’s my rock just like his father. I suppose I’ll come to terms with the word ‘widow’ eventually, your Mum is right, it’s a horrible name tag. At least I have the woofers to add though. Say hi to your Dad and all my furries up there; Scout, Hero, Rupert, Jordi, Amor, Ash and my beloved MacGyver. Always know that I love you babe and you are remembered forever by all of us down here.

I love you always and forever…. (ditto)

Sonic xx