She’s back, we’re off

The matriarch has been released and safely deposited chez nous. And she’s been lounging about and giving orders ever since. I jest of course, she’s not supposed to do anything but put her feet up and consume as many calories as her slight stature can take in – not easy when you were a war child she tells me. Mind you, no-one can ever turn down Denis’ cooking. Not only is he a former chef, he’s a man who loves Moroccan and Catalan cuisine so everything he makes is packed with flavour and Mumo is feasting restaurant style whilst I tend to the wood burner, fetch her slippers, let her dog out – all that sort of thing. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Mum’s home and that’s just fine. To put a cherry on the top of her rest and recuperation, D’s sister Patricia came over and did Mumo’s hair which upped the spirits no end. Having an ex-coiffeuse and a chef in the family does come in very handy.

And speaking of family, my sister Bong (her name is actually Kendra but we’ve always called her by her nickname) is flying in tomorrow to look after our mother whilst Denis and I take a plane across the English Channel to visit the old homeland. I have looked at the weather forecast and surprisingly it looks rather fine, cold but not wet. There’s nothing worse than seeing the London sights in perpetual October drizzle. Mind you, this past week has been a soggy one down here. The Météo warned us of a major storm and subsequent flooding descending on us on Thursday which, judging by the ominous sky the night before, was going to be a doozy. Unlike many other areas down in SW France however, we got away lightly or so we thought – 24 hours later, the thunder rolled in and the heavens opened. So much so that the bloody pool that we’ve just emptied has half a metre of water sitting in its depths . Great for my Brussel Sprout crops but not for trying to get out of the front gate without a canoe. Unfortunately for me and D, we spent most of the day watching the deluge from inside the vet’s office. Yogi Bear was back in after having a bit of a fainting spell which made him all wobbly. The diagnosis isn’t great as the mass has moved and now sporadically puts pressure on his heart and his kidneys are under a bit of strain too. At his age, operating wouldn’t be advisable but on the plus side, his new meds seem to have perked him up no end. On the minus side, I am glued to the mop – his pill-popping makes him pee. A lot.

As I mentioned, me and my French bloke are jet-setting off to the country of my birth and the city that had me spending more time in traffic than working. But in the coming days, I’ll get a chance to see a different side of London with Denis and catch up with old friends and family. As we partied last night away with Abraham and the usual crew down at Le Jardin, there was much hilarity about how D was going to cope with the language barrier let alone his first trip on an aeroplane. I don’t know why anyone should be worried about him, it’s been more than 4 years since I stepped a foot on London’s cobbles and I’m terrified of flying. The only thing that’s worrying Denis is trying to find a new pair of trousers and whether or not he’ll get deported for lighting up a cigarette. It’s going to be an interesting week…

The sun doesn’t live in England; it comes here on holiday when we’re all at work” – (Benny Bellamacina)

A belly full

Having taken him up to the hospital to say his ‘ta ta for now’ to Mumo, I drove little brother Moth to Toulouse on Friday evening. Since his flight back to Kenya via Paris was at the crack of dawn, he had a room booked at a hotel close to the airport courtesy of big brother Simon. Goodbyes and hugs done, Denis and I made our way back to what I thought was the road heading towards home. Only it wasn’t – we were heading in the opposite direction with no sign of a roundabout and in whizzing traffic. With my GPS getting totally confused and me hitting the stress barrier, we weaved across lanes and dodged hooting cars until, thanks to Denis, we found the right road out and I hit the accelerator. It was only having finally got back chez nous via a dive of a pizza parlour for take-out that Denis told me it was the first time he’d seen me so rattled. Considering I spent 20 plus years in much the same mood working in London, it took me a few minutes and a glass of much-needed red wine to realise how much the last few months have put a dent in the tranquility of my life here.

The change in my normally fairly cheerful demeanour hasn’t gone unnoticed by the woofers either, their usual shrieking at the any dog that passes within an inch of the fence line muted – instead choosing to lie underfoot or at least within petting distance. The only exception being Mo who has discovered, as I have, that my serre has been raided by ‘les loirs gris‘ otherwise known as European edible dormice. As cute as they are, they’ve munched their way through my parsnip seedlings and helped themselves to all the strawberries. Denis tells me they are fattening up for hibernation which, having spied one or two, has been successful. At least someone has an appetite. With mine all but disappearing over the last week, Denis decided a night out at our local diner was in store – apart from their indulgent portion sizes, Diner 118 is a great place to catch up with friends and soak up the easy-going ambience. The perfect pick-me-up.

Speaking of putting on the pounds, Mumo is now on an all you can eat dietary schedule which is all well and good except the hospital menu isn’t exactly drool-worthy so Simon and I have started sneaking in home-cooked goodies to help with her waistline. I know that once she’s home (hopefully in the next day or so) she’ll be much happier curled up on the sofa with biscuits and ice-cream at hand. With this in mind, Denis and I have been busy doing all the little jobs that have been forgotten about whilst the more important ones have taken priority. One in particular was putting her Tiffany glass up in the selected alcove in the living room. A very delicate under-taking but the sweaty palms were worth the final result.

And as results go, you will be relieved to know that Yogi’s recent vet visit concluded that his heart and other vital organs are A-okay. There is a mass close to his coeur that will need draining to help him snooze better but other than that, the Bear is doing well for his age. And judging by the scales, he too can afford to put a little something extra in his belly – thankfully he prefers protein to parsnips…

“The belly rules the mind.” (Spanish Proverb)

Ailments and artistry

Ah well, considering the odds even if we live in a tiny village deep in South West of France, one of us was going to get it. Yup, my tough ‘nothing can get me” outdoorsman has been got – Covid-style. I came downstairs with coffee as usual on Friday morning, expecting the normal kiss and “dort bien?” hello only to be greeted by a grey face with an outstretched arm stopping my approach. In the four years I’ve known Denis, the only time he’s not been full of bounce was when he had his hernia hiccup (actually three in all) so I suggested we both went over to the local pharmacie to get tested. Apart from the fact that we spend most of our days together, I also have a not so well Mumo at the moment so neither of us wanted to add to her woes. On the positive side, I tested negative but warned to keep my mother at a healthy distance for a few days just in case. And steer clear of D too which has meant a miserable weekend and a pity party with a bottle of wine and an ominous moon to keep me company.

And the week was going so well. Sort of. I mean there was that little incident on Tuesday morning but that wasn’t my fault. Kind of. You see, me and the younger woofers are back to rising with the dawn and running up hills again so I had bought a pocket-sized ‘deterrent’ spray not wanting a repetition of the last dog attack. All was peace and serenity, the giant mastiff I had been assured was safely tucked behind bars and there was nothing to disturb us other than the hum of tractors harvesting the vines. That was until we hit the main road a kilometre or so from home and got rear-ended by a loose Pyrenean Mountain Dog trailing its extendable lead behind as it launched its huge self at Arry. Alice of course went into full terrier mode, teeth chomping and chattering as Sherman sunk his into a furry hind leg whilst I tried to keep leads from tangling -I wasn’t about to let them loose on a busy thoroughfare. And that’s when I remembered the bombe and pointed it at the white beast. Honestly, I didn’t know the spray was red. The owner did eventually arrive and get her charge under control, dye not blood explanations from me. I saw the same dog a couple of days later, apparently the colour doesn’t wash out easily.

At least, the Covid decided to bring down my man after we’d made a decent dent in our ‘to-do’ list -Denis and I were noses to the grindstone ticking off items. The newly extended potager now has its Autumn plantings in, the walnut trees have been lopped, the other bat box fixed onto the remis wall and between us we sorted out the blockage in Mumo’s kitchen sink which turned out to be congealed fat (blame big brother for that). And since our camion needs a little TLC before it can pass its contrôle technique, D has plonked it over here as it’s easier to get to a power source. Yet unnamed and a bit banged up in parts, I am looking forward to getting behind the wheel of the big white van. I might need to add my newly acquired artistic touch first…

“ The colours live a remarkable life of their own after they have been applied to the canvas” (Edvard Munch)

September supplements

There’s nothing quite like a decent drenching to welcome in a new month so hello September. Okay, I know it’s not technically the end of summer and experience has taught me that we are more than likely to have another heatwave or two before the winter but I am looking forward to seeing the back of this season gone. A statement I shall no doubt regret when the woolies get dragged out from under my bed and muddy paw prints embed themselves over the tiled floors once more. As I write this, Denis is stuck between here and the South Coast having spent the weekend celebrating his great-niece’s baptism, he’s somewhere in the lanes of traffic trying to get home after the long school holiday – I was invited to the celebration but with no-one to mind the dogs or D’s animals, I got out of it. Mercifully judging by the pictures of stagnant autoroutes.

Speaking of D’s brood, there’s been an addition to his non-human family. Gaya the dog, Dolly the cat, Caesar the canary and Gypsy the semi-feral hedgehog have been joined by a tortoise. Denis found him wandering around the front garden and with no-one posting reward posters for the safe return of their roaming reptile, decided to adopt the little creature. The male tortue is as yet still without a name although I have suggested Captain Hilts due to the number of escape attempts. Who knew an animal fabled for its slowness could scale his fenced enclosure so fast? I have to admit I have grown rather fond of Denis’ new companion although having one of my own is out of the question – Arry’s obsession with rocks for starters and Sherman’s penchant for getting into mischief when it comes to anything not canine related for seconds. I accidentally stood on the remains of a hedgehog skin the other day and boy, do those prickles hurt. However it must be said that this one was not a victim of my youngest woofer, these adorable looking spiny mammals regularly murder each other I’m reliably informed.

It’s not that Sherman is a natural born killer, unlike his mum who can rid several hectares of rats in seconds but he is a big lad. A recent trip to the vets with both for their annual jabs had him tipping the scales at a whopping 12 kilos, 4 kilos heavier than Mama Alice. Mind you, as the vet pointed out, my gorgeous lump of a Border terrier is pure muscle – hardly surprising considering he’s best mates with my idiotic German Shepherd.

With Denis being away, I’ve had to do a bit of bicep-flexing myself to hoist the re-conditioned petanque bench into its new home court side. The once tired looking wooden seat is now stripped and varnished and the iron work painted green, typical for the style. It’s a shame all the family have left now that the holidays are over so there’s no-one to enjoy its luxury but I’m sure we’ll have a few more fêtes with friends before the winter comes. And now that almost all the summer jobs have been completed, I can look forward to a new list of ‘to-dos’ – there’s the new extended potager to plant out, the saga of my life needs a second drafting, the outside staircase needs re-painting, the walnuts and almond trees to be harvested, the village map to finish mapping and the old pool liner to replace. Summer’s over kids…

“The end-of-summer winds make people restless.” (Sebastian Faulks)

Night skies and naughty nephews

As we head into the last whiffs of August, an odd sense of calm has descended over here chez nous. Even the woofers have retreated under trees or curled themselves up in freshly-dug flowerbed holes, rising only to scream up and down the front fence line at a passing village hound. With the last couple of months being filled with visitations from family and friends, the absence of bodies around the place is taking a little time to get used to especially now that my two eldest nephews have left – I’d gotten used to waking up to the sound of Louis tinkling on the piano downstairs and being serenaded by Maxime’s guitar at the end of the day. And I will forgive them for my near-fainting experience when I looked out of my bedroom window one morning and saw a hand poking out of one of the ginormous pine’s branches. For a second, I thought a body might have fallen out of a passing plane, I know but I used to read an awful lot of Reader’s Digest as a child, only to find on closer inspection that they’d thrown a stuffed gorilla up there. I did remove the potential hazard to any passing motorists but not before the boys had relocated it and hung it off the front door lantern giving half the local residents whiplash no doubt.

With the pool’s water level now reduced to tadpole swimming depth, at least we have the petanque area to enjoy especially when Denis adds in his barbecue brilliance. Before Maxime and Louis departed, we did just that and dined by the light of the impressive Blue Moon that was red seen from down here on account of the wildfire smoke drifting over from the U.S. Even after almost 4 years of living here in Rouffiac, being able to look up at the night sky without any light pollution save our ‘landing strip’ around the pool still takes my breath away. I’d turn them off except we need their luminosity to avoid breaking a toe over Denis’ miniature golf course – Arry and Sherman have chewed up the flagpoles.

It won’t be long before the nights draw in either, I mean it’ll be September this time next week. This year seems to have jumped every other month including August. Oh, it’s still hot most days but not the ‘I can’t take it anymore’ heat that we have become used to and there is a definite Autumnal feel in the early morning breeze. And we’ve even had a few decent down-pourings over the summer although yesterday evening’s predicted thunderstorm ended up being more of a polite pluie but the good kind – steady soaks into the soil rather than leave lakes to be burned up by the sun. As is the norm, Denis and I had pootled over to Le Jardin for another of Abraham’s excellent soirees and a chance to catch up with all the friends we’d seen the night before at Le Bistrot. As we drank far too much wine and laughed ourselves into a near-coma (the overindulgence of food may have helped us get to that state), the constant pitter-patter of rain drops made music over the roof above us as it gently drenched the surrounding vegetable gardens. It’s been a funny old summer…

“August rain: the best of the summer gone, and the new fall not yet born. The odd uneven time.” (Sylvia Plath)

Zero moods to hero dudes

It pains me to say it but, unless the Gods have a radical change of heart, I shall be glad to see the back of this summer. Not only have I had to admit defeat (a rarity for me) in regards to finding the minuscule hole in the pool’s liner and let the blood thing slowly drain itself into the road, I’ve had the worry of Mumo’s weird internal goings-on (she is getting better slowly we all hope), both of which have left me with a zero va va voom to do anything constructive. And I hate the feeling. On top of it all, the barometer has been go up and down like a Yo-Yo on acid – the beginning of the week sitting in the high 30’s before sinking down to barely 20 degrees by Wednesday. I had to drag out a jumper from the winter stash under my bed and put shoes on, the latter was an odd experience and it took me a while to remember how to walk in something other than flip-flops. At least we’ve had a few decent drizzles to replenish the thirsty ground, something virtually non-existent down here in August in normal years.

Okay, it’s not been a complete blah of a week. My second eldest nephew, Maxime, touched down chez nous on Tuesday and between him and his brother Louis, they’ve really helped lift the general mood around this place and boosted Mumo’s spirits too. Sadly, Louis’ gal Linnea (I now know how to spell it) had to fly off back to Norway and work but not before I got a chance to go into Carcassonne with her and enjoy a bit of retail therapy – the vintage clothing kind. Since I’m quite a tightwad when it comes to buying new threads, most of my time is spent in patched up jeans or shorts stained with Godknowswhat fell on them, I had a ball going through the racks of retro bits and pieces with someone who likes to forage in these kinds of shops as much as me. Poor Louis was dragged along his insistent amour somewhat unwillingly, he has much to learn when it comes to the art of pleasing your other half. I left mine putting up the lights in the outdoor kitchen such is my knowledge of what floats Denis’ boat even if he did almost electrify himself a couple of times and almost blackout the entire village. Amusingly, when I first met D, I asked a friend if he would recommend my new handy man. “Definitely” replied Graham, “anything except electrics, that would be a disaster.”. Thankfully we now have light down in the lower kitchen with only a few scald marks on the floor and D is extremely proud of himself.

Speaking of near blowouts, it was a good job I’ve lost so much weight over the last couple of months as Denis and I went over to my dear friend Giselle’s place for her son’s birthday celebration. Paella style. I have to admit that the last and only time I ate such a dish was in a London restaurant and frankly, it was horrible. Obviously, I needed to try the local recipe – here it’s all about fresh fruits de la mer and not large lumps of over-cooked chicken and stodgy rice and boy, is Giselle’s good. I must have chowed down enough calories to keep me bouncing for a year it was that delicious and if I add on Louis’ incredible culinary masterpieces, always seasoned with raucous family laughter around the table, I’m going to need to get back running up those hills soon otherwise I’ll never get to wear those new purchases.

And Hugo’s (Giselle’s son and Denis’ daughter’s boyfriend) birthday wasn’t the only one to be celebrated this week. Our Arry aka Aragorn turned 9 on Thursday. How my crazy nutcase of a German Shepherd has managed to reach an age and now sport a few grey whiskers is totally beyond me but it is without a doubt a miracle (remember the ball-choking incident, the collar incident, the heatstroke incident, I could go on) but I’m thankful to have him spread out under my feet every day. For all myself and the other woofers have been through over the last eight and a half years that he has been with us, Arry’s zest for life and refusal to be anything but young at heart can’t help but chase the dark clouds away and bring on a smile. And swearing. Lots of swearing. Gotta love that dog…

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only someone remembers to turn on the light.” (J.K. Rowling)

Black cats and bad mojo

Over dinner last night with brother Simon and my sis-in law, Alba, the subject of superstition came up. Being one who would blame her choice of belly button rings on a bad day, it was interesting to find out that many beliefs are the same in France. Saluting or saying good morning to magpies for example and hoping you see a pair, frantically searching for a piece of wood to touch when you say something you hope will come true, Friday the 13th doom and walking under ladders. It has to be said, my list of taboos made for much raising of eyebrows and guffawing – I find nothing odd in holding your collar when I see an ambulance and not letting go until a white car appears, at least I don’t blame the sight of a black cat on my car breaking down like Denis. Mind you, perhaps I should pay a bit more attention to that chat noir who lives a few doors down if last week was anything to go by.

For a start, the planned pipeline didn’t happen because the bloke didn’t show up so yet again, D and I wasted a whole day waiting for him. To be honest, I’ve got to the point where I’m just going to fill the bloody pool anyway and hope the man what drills holes in the ground appears sometime in the near future. In brief, we have a water seam several metres below the front garden and permission from the Mayor to put in a well and use the free stuff for everything outside but not for drinking. Considering how much water we need for the foliage and to top up the piscine, it’s going to be money well spent. If he ever turns up. Even though, we have had a couple of decent downpours in the last few days, the hot weather and equally dry wind have soaked up most of what came down. Still, after another little temper tantrum, I changed my belly ring again and left no wood untouched so I’m sure all will be tickety boo very soon.

It probably doesn’t help that the woofers have decided that when the sun rises so must I. Yogi is always the first, the gentle pitter patter of bear paws waking me somewhere around 6 a.m so I can let him and the others downstairs to do what needs to be done and have a good shout at the neighbourhood dogs who have also dragged their owners out of bed for a little walkies. Luckily my lot have enough land to exercise even if the front gate is the best place to let off steam. If being stirred from my slumber isn’t bad enough, Mo Cridhe is suffering with very loose bowels at the moment which, if anyone has ever had a disabled dog would know, is not a pleasant experience first thing in the morning.

It hasn’t all been stress and strife though. Denis and I were invited to our friends Pacs on Friday evening, what we call in English a civil partnership. The setting was stunning, a wedding venue place about 10 minutes or so away although my GPS decided to take the scenic route so added an extra 15 on. Since I was driving, I stayed teetotal which was just as well as the drinks weren’t served until about an hour after everyone’s arrival and we left before the meal as it was getting close to 10 p.m. I’m not sure what caused the delay in service but I’ve got my money on the tent’s fairy lights – they weren’t set out on straight lines you see. Taboo.

At least we now have the petanque area to distract ourselves from the bad mojo sneaking around. Denis gave me my first lesson the other day which went pretty well. Of course I lost but at least this time, the ball stayed in the ring so to speak and Denis came out unscathed. And surprisingly so did Alice and Sherman who did their best to disrupt play, namely lying down in the middle of the ground or staring vacantly into space as close as possible to the cochon (the small ball that you’re trying to get your metal sphere next to. Not that we minded. After all, my two lively Border terriers are very good at keeping black cats well away and have no idea what the date is today or any other day…

“A black cat passing by the crossroad can stop hundreds of people, what a red light on traffic signal has failed to do for a long time.” (Nitya Prakash)

The strength within

It’s been an eventful week, to coin one of my son’s ‘scare Mum’ phrases, and not just because of the number of soirées attended. Once again I managed to injure myself running, only this time it wasn’t down to clumsiness – I got bitten by a dog saving one of my own.

So there I was, huffing and puffing along our usual Tuesday morning route preparing to take on the first of many inclines when suddenly the humungous hairy hound appeared and launched its 90 plus kilo body at Arry pinning him to the ground by the throat. So I pulled him off. Easy yes? Nope but us Mums have inner power when it comes to saving our precious ones. I wrapped my hand into the choke chain around the attacker and hauled him across to the opposite fence. It did cross my mind to hook the chain loop around said fence but I didn’t want to hurt the dog – weird I know but I didn’t. Thankfully, for once in his idiotic life, Arry obeyed me and backed off to a safe distance but Alice and Sherman, terriers they are, weren’t going to let the beast get away lightly. As Sherbs glued his fangs to one hind leg, Alice went into full tigress mode, snapping at every available limb and its sizeable neck. If I had had time to admire her ferocity at this dog’s brazen attack on her beau, I would have but in the process of swinging for one of the diminutive devils, the dog bit me in the leg. The whole episode was over in a matter of minutes – the exhausted assailant giving up and plonked his large behind on the road, long enough for me to grab the two tenacious terriers and make for the hills. Now, before you think I was being foolhardy and putting myself in danger, I wasn’t. I know this dog although he is normally behind an electrified fence protecting his owner’s flock of sheep and said owner has been in touch with profound apologies and offers to pay any vet bills (no woofers were hurt mercifully) and an invitation to go and meet his animals, including the fluff monster. Having spent more than 20 years as a behaviour consultant and trainer, I know enough that it wasn’t the target and frankly Arry does look a bit like Wile E Coyote. I do wish I’d stopping scarring my knees though, I’ll need a GPS to find them soon.

Anyway, I’ve been ‘tetanused’ and loaded with antibiotics, thankfully those that don’t require you to abstain from alcohol (I don’t think such medication exists in these parts) which was just as well as the rest of the week was all about dining and wining. Mumo, having celebrated her xx birthday on Monday, held a little party for close friends on Friday. Denis and I bought her one of those outdoor braziers as she doesn’t do cold very well – the little fire pit blasted out lava-like temperatures the whole evening keeping everyone warm and toasty if not a little smoke-scented. My sister-in-law Alba, made a fancy spread of finger foods and I kept the flow of wine going. And I managed to behave myself and keep the dancing under wraps.

Hip-shaking however, was mandatory last night – my man on the barbecue and his brother, Thierry, on the decks as I was treated to a night of traditional Catalan cuisine and music at his Mum’s house. She hasn’t been well of late so the brothers decided to cheer her up with their presence. D’s other brother, Bruno, is her main carer so having a bit of riotous company was for him too. Yet another thoroughly enjoyable evening even if my body said differently when I woke up this morning. I relish Sunday mornings when I can stay in bed and cuddle the woofers but alas, I had another engagement – an early one. My first French baptism held at the church here in Rouffiac, mercifully a two minute walk round the corner as neither Denis or I would have had the stomach to drive anywhere. To be honest, I’d only met the parents once and my tired self would have rather forgone the invitation but in a small village like ours, well you can imagine what the neighbours would say. It was the first time I’d been in the church too and after the previous two nights, I was grateful for the quiet sanctuary within its walls. The service was beautiful and blessedly short with the most genial baby who never cried once and no hymns were involved so no-one needed to hear me ruin a momentous family occasion. Luckily, D and I also managed to escape the after-party after a small glass to wet the baby’s head and return to our own abodes for a bit of down time after the week’s events – I haven’t mentioned that D fell off a wooden plank whilst trying to put shelving together and bruised ribs and shoulder. At least next week with any luck will be slightly less dramatic I hope but I have started to fill the bloody pool…

“Your responses to the events of life are more important than the events themselves” (Virginia Satir)