It’s written in the stars

So last week saw the start of the Chinese New Year, the Year of the Pig no less. So me being me naturally googled what 2019 would hold for Horses like me. Well, actually I’m a Fire Horse but the less said about that the better. Anyway, and more importantly, I wanted to know what the year ahead had in store for me. It’s an annoying part of my personality, I hate not knowing what’s going on. Unfortunately not a lot according to the Social Media Experts, us Horses are supposed to relax and take it easy because 2020 is going to be a challenging one. Really? More challenging than the last year?

When Tony died, I went through a phase of Feng Shui’ing the house, positive vibes and all that. I put water fountains in X corner and purple silk flowers in another. I did everything by the book, obsessed with the idea that I could swing the universe in my favour. So far, the universe and I have come to blows, more negatives than positives let’s face it. Danny Boy and Arry had a rare fight, Mo Cridhe got the giardia bug, probate is still a word that means zip all, my father in law passed away and to cap it all, my mentor and friend has last stage cancer. The stars have auto correct problems in my opinion.

I think there comes a certain point in widowhood where you cant’ move forward or backwards. Until probate is resolved, you can’t make plans for the future and social activities bring what has been lost to the present. I went to a school reunion this weekend which was the first since T had passed away. I found myself repeating the same spiel about Tony to everyone who asked. No emotion, just repetition. I’m stuck on auto pilot.

I had a rare moment on Sunday however. I slept an extra hour and woke up ‘star-fished’ in bed. For the first time in 9 months, I had used the whole bed, not just my side. Alice, as always, was tucked under my arm but the rest of the dog bed hogs had moved to their canine comfort suites elsewhere. It was a very odd feeling, part of me felt guiltily liberated but the other, a little depressed. What if the future meant being waking up in a double bed by myself but oh, how lovely to have a bed to myself? Sort of. The dogs find the idea of human bed space irresistible and before you say 07.30 , they find a warm spot on your pillow. I need to be more like my dogs, finding opportunities to relax regardless of what may happen in the future. And having a few furry bellies to snuggle into and forget about the universe and the stars for a while can never be anything less than a positive start to the day, can it?

“Do not let yesterday use too much of today” Chinese proverb