Choices

You know those action movies where the ambushed hero keeps getting back up in a fight even though he/she has been shot, stabbed, punched in the eye and so on? Well, that’s me versus the universe right now. And frankly, it’s getting a little annoying. A bit like those long action sequences . Just as I think the horizon is clearing, another fist is swung in my direction. But I’m still standing, plasters on the bruises yes but upright and fingers up to the stars.

And the week had started so well. The weather gave us a little taster of Spring to come and I had an exciting glimpse of the future after a meeting with old friends. Having a con-flab in a hospice room was a first especially since our arbiter was a rather handsome Pointer and the chairman was in bed. Thank you to all the amazing staff at Royal Trinity Hospice for looking after our man about town, words will never be enough to say how special you are. Anyway I digress as usual. The sun was shining, the meeting was uplifting and I finally felt that soupy fog clearing. The grooming room bookings were floating in and I had a lovely chat with the Animal Welfare Officer when he popped by with my license. I was back to my normal Energy Bunny self. But my foe was still waiting for the right moment to stick the next punch in. The weather decided it wasn’t quite ready for the sun the next day and I woke up with a cold. I had another row with Virgin Media, apparently they only supply the broadband, the WiFi strength is a lottery and the final hit, someone nicked my car number plates. “Bam”, “thwack”, “slap”, “kapow” but I’m still standing.

As the widow timeline moves towards the 10 month mark, the whimsical ideas of ‘re evaluating’ my life are becoming exciting possibilities instead. Tony was only 56 when he died. I’ll be 53 this year. It’s not so much the desire to change my life now because his death proved that life is too short, I see it more as do what I want to do rather than doing something because I have to. I don’t want to regret not taking the leap even if life has a habit of tripping me up regularly at the moment. Perhaps it takes the loss of the one you expected to spend the rest of your life with to make you wake up, smell the coffee and dance naked in the ocean, I don’t know. But the restlessness is there.

Tony had a really annoying phrase, ” you always have a choice” he used to say. I wish he had had one. Yet it gives me a sense of calm, a familiar voice chastising me when I want to curl up and give in. But I won’t. I’m going to take his advice and get my wetsuit on. Knowing the relationship between me and the universe right now, she’d probably make sure that bit of ocean was filled with jellyfish…….

” My dog is usually pleased with what I do, because she is not infected with the concept of what I should be doing” (Lonzo Idolswine)