Steering in circles

One of the most frustrating things about trying to start life again as a widow is that no one else is on your boat. And to make matters worse, the proverbial vessel is chained to the dock and you’re the only one without the key. I don’t do well in boats, I get seasick looking at them. Less looking out at a new horizon, more pacing the poop deck.

Tony was forever telling me to be patient and slow down and let someone else have control. He also told me to always read the instructions but as there doesn’t appear to be any for this particular boat it’s difficult to change the habit of a lifetime. I think the feeling of helplessness at not being able to save Tony from that cancer bitch has probably added to my need to be in the driver’s seat so it’s incredibly frustrating when others don’t move at the same pace. Apart from Arry, my German Shepherd. He and I both have the insane stop and full speed mentality except that I don’t feel the need to bolt out the front door no matter how many times it’s opened, do a garden circuit and bolt back in again. Why do dogs do that?

The biggest headache is not being able to get answers from the solicitor dealing with Tony’s estate. I have absolutely no control here and honestly, I’m bashing my head against a brick wall hence the above. A snail could get to the finish line quicker. Not knowing how you can plan your next journey means you just go round and round in circles. To add to this, the extension is on hold as the builders are waiting for the last steel to hold the kitchen ceiling up so they can finish the job. The warehouse has it but they are waiting for a delivery driver so poor Tommy and co. are sitting twiddling their thumbs. I know the feeling. And then there’s my window guy who has to find a time slot to replace the decaying glass and my tree man has fallen out with his girlfriend and I hate to bother him with ‘when can you finish the job?’. Bit insensitive even if I am stomping my feet. The only consolation is that I’m not spending any money which definitely puts me in the ‘doing something novel’ category in Tony’s books.

So I stand on my little ship (my father in law always told me off when I called a ship a boat) with my four legged deck hands keeping the waters calm until we can steer straight ahead.. Except Arry, he’s still looking for the door keys. I know the feeling….

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog (Ambrose Bierce)