Thoughts on a summer’s eve

There is no doubt in my mind that the sudden appearance of summer contributes to my change in mood but as I sat on the front stoop last night bathed in the evening warmth, I felt a weird sense of calm. Note the word ‘stoop’ as opposed to doorstep, it sounds much more whimsical doesn’t it? Think green pastures, frolicking puppies, cowboy hat and a tall glass of iced tea. The lines of the parallel universe, the one where I was still married to Tony, seem to be fading and I’m not trying to keep that channel open anymore. I’m getting used to being me.

I spent a lot of the week with various friends, catching up over drinks and dog walks. It’s slowly occuring to me that I can do whatever I like without having to compromise although I do tell Callum where I am even if it goes in one headphone and out the other. I think my confidence in making solo decisions is getting there although I still have moments of self-doubt. I’m still useless at household finances though but I have discovered the word ‘budget’ which to many is a revelation. But the future still scares me. Yes, I can go out with no one asking me when I will be back, I can buy things without anyone tutting at me and the new extension is designed entirely as moi would like it but I’m how long will the feeling of happy independent me last? I wish I’d stop worrying so much and just enjoy the calmness I have now instead of thinking of the years ahead.

On the plus side, if you ever wanted to get a personal boost, online dating is the perfect panacea. Its also great fun in that you have an imaginary red button you can press when the 5 ft tall, 21 year old sends you a message. This is also much more fun when done with girlfriends and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. I have however chatted to one or two who seem genuine and are happy to stick to the friendship boundaries. The idea of actually dating anyone still terrifies me but I think as long as I bring Arry with me I should be ok, he is a great judge of character. I suppose once I’ve got over the first one, the rest might be less daunting. And to Alex I ask, “when do I tell him I have 10 dogs?”…..

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” (Ann Landers)