Gnarly Waves

I hit a wall this week. Not literally, although that does sound rather tempting but it in the emotional sense. I’m getting used to waves of mood that are part and parcel of the widowing process but every now and again, you get caught in a riptide. My life was turning into a sort of groundhog day scenario, each day morphing into the next one with nothing to break the monotony. It didn’t help that we had a big birthday to celebrate this week, Cal’s 21st, and neither he nor I were in the party spirit. Nope, this wave was a doozy and I came close to falling apart. This of course, was the week I gave up the booze.

I’ve talked before about the loneliness that comes and goes with the tides but perhaps I’m feeling it a little bit more at the moment. And giving up the wine has probably made me more aware of how much I used those couple of glasses to bury that issue. I read one or two recommended books on sobriety which frankly made me feel even worse and thoroughly depressed. I don’t think self-help books are really my thing. Funnily enough I don’t crave the alcohol at all, I crave the company that I share it with. I just miss the chat.

I know that I am surrounded by wet noses and adoring eyes (although the eyes are often focused on what is going in my mouth) but I am a people person. Those memes that announce how much nicer dogs are than people? I’m not one of them. I need human interaction and I think that’s why I find it so hard. I love my dogs dearly but I worry that my constant conversations with them will put me in a white suit one day. Waking up to a German Shepherd doing his morning stretches on the bed beside me is a heart-hugger but by the time I’ve got downstairs to let the dogs out (how many of you sang those words just now?), change Mo and Coco’s nappies, attached various harnesses and leads and got to the park, I haven’t spoken to a single human unless you count Alexa.

As with all pity parties I go through, I have made another decision. One of the things that the sober stories told me was the importance of visualisation. I’ve harboured quite a few ideas about future projects since starting this journey as a group of 1 plus 10 (and a half man half boy) but never felt I capable of actually doing them. After a long and therapeutic chin wag with the aforementioned man-child, I’m going to take that leap into the scary “I have no idea what I’m doing” world with his help of course. Who knows, perhaps my conversations with my canines might be useful after all?

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” (Harry.S.Truman 33rd President of the United States)