Two Years

Today marks two years. Two years since the man I promised to have and to hold until death do us part passed away in my arms. His watch still sits by the bedside, it spookily stopped at the time that he died, I haven’t replaced the battery yet. There are still days when I wake up and reach over expecting the whole thing to be one hell of a nightmare but they are getting less and less. And whilst I talk to him every day (a lot of swearing too), I have come to accept life for what it is and keeping hope for what the future holds. I’m a little bit proud of myself too for getting back up every time life has thrown a punch over the these last two years. Let’s face it, it has been like rowing a lifeboat through tidal waves sometimes.

They say strength comes from within but I could never have got this far without family, friends and the woofers. Even in the midst of this unprecedented crisis (couldn’t resist it), there is always someone on the other end of a phone or a soft wet muzzle to bandage the blues. Yet, the greatest gift Tony left with me is Callum. He has so much of his father and my Pop in him, the calm unflappable part from the first and the ‘everything can be fixed’ bloody-mindedness from the other. And he gives the best hugs. Ever. I’m sure I would have crumbled long ago if I hadn’t had him next to me.

If the past two years have taught me anything, it’s how to stand on your own two feet even if you need to lean on someone else every now and again. I now wake up and reach across the bed to curl around a dog or two, usually because they’ve taken up so much duvet and I have to get warmth somewhere. I have sold the house and made the decision to move across the pond to be with family. This pesky virus might have delayed these plans a little but I am learning to have a little more patience about things I cannot control. I think Tony would be proud of me.

So to my darling Tony,

I miss you and I always will. Even after two years, I can still remember your smell, your smile (and that tic) and the comfort of your arms around me. These are things that will never leave me no matter what the future brings. Thank you for all the one-way conversations, it does help you know even if I sometimes blame you for things that go wrong. I wonder what you would have thought of all this lockdown stuff? I think you would have taken it in your stride except for the football situation especially for Liverpool. Thank you for keeping an eye on Callum and all the family. Oh and thank you for looking out for Dickie. Say hello to Pop and your Dad and to all the woofers up there. I know Pop will be happy to have Chrissie by his side. I’ll probably chat to you later as usual but for now, thank you for being you even if you aren’t with us anymore.

I love you xx